A place for my thoughts…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, so instead of cleaning I’m going to be blogging.  Usually I do the latter to procrastinate the former but for right now I’m doing one of the rare “this is how Becca sees life” blogs.

I guess I’ll start off with a movie.  If any of you have seen A River Runs Through It, you’ll know what I’m about to talk about.  The movie is slow, but its message has been running through my head a lot recently: “how come the people who need the most help, won’t take it?”

I guess its one of those things I never really thought about because I hadn’t really experienced a situation, or rather I hadn’t really known a person, who made me ask that kind of a question.  I think to answer the initial question is simple but complex: people who need the most help need the most change.  To change requires admitting that something is wrong with the way things are, and that is always hard.  It requires understanding oneself and one’s situation enough to take a step back and look at things the way they really are, not as we choose to view them.  It’s then, when someone realizes that a problem exists, that there is the possibility for help, but to accept help requires humility.  It means admitting that you can’t do everything on your own and then exposing the most broken part of yourself to someone else.

I think a lot of people are afraid of change.  We get comfortable with the familiar, and even if it hurts us–and for some, even if it hurts other people–we would rather have that than make a healthy change.   That’s the part of humanity that makes me feel sad–some word beyond sad that I can’t really describe…to see someone so caught in their own self-perpetuated downward spiral that they won’t reach out, even grab the hand that’s being offered to them…  I wish I could tell them that it doesn’t make them strong, it just makes them sick.

Sorry for unloading on everyone, I know it doesn’t really have anything to do with anyone reading this, but I felt like spilling my thoughts.

I just thought I’d post some pictures of what we’ve been up to. 

The fields on one of our bike rides.

Caedmon being goofy one night before we went to dinner. It’s blurry but I thought it was cute.

Caedmono climbing on the fence at the animal park.

The boys chilling.  I think they were watching a movie while eating their Cheetos.

 Caedmon and Sara on a bike ride yesterday.  I pulled them, and I had to stop a lot, but I was proud of myself for getting them around.

Another pic of the fields where we’ve been riding our bikes.  One of these days I’ll go out by myself and take more of the horses and the little towns nearby.

Nate and Caedmon at the animal park.  We found out that on Mondays they don’t have the stands open, which is actually really cool if you have leftover food b/c it means all the animal will flock to you. 

Oh, and I also uploaded a new video on YouTube.  Caedmon decided he wanted to cook last night and it was really funny, or at least I thought so.  :-p

So I don’t know how this is going to go and I probably just made a bad decision, but I called my boss and told her she could put me back on the schedule now that every thing has been fixed.  My BG check is fixed and I got paid for May and April this month, and even though it took forever it was really nice to have some extra spending money–nice enough I wouldn’t mind having some more.  I won’t get much next month because I haven’t worked yet for this month.  I guess I figure it would give me and Caedmon something to do while Nate’s gone, and just something to do in general.  They’re also doing a 4-day retreat to Garmisch in July, which would be great.  But at the same time I feel iffy about the decision, like I’ve been too wishy-washy (for lack of better way to put it) and that I just undid everything I stood for earlier.  I guess I just worry about what’s going to happen next year and want a job, or rather I don’t want a job I want the money without feeling like I have a job, and this way I don’t feel like I’m working all the time and I get to take Caedmon, and you just don’t find that here in Germany.  I guess the real question is whether or not its worth it.  I guess if its not I can always quit or just not go back when my contract expires in September.

Oh well, for better or worse, I’m back to being employed.

I probably sould be doing something other than blogging right now but I don’t feel like it.  It’s been hot again (like hi 70’s-mid 80’s–I guess that’s not so bad).  We’ve gotten some more use of the bikes thanks to the nice weather.  We were going to go on one again this afternoon, but Nate got called in despite being on pass.  He’s been in for almost 3hrs now.  Oh well, I guess whining won’t fix it and I should be greatful he got one in the first place.  The commander at HHS has a policy where if you get an A in a college course you get a 3-day pass.  Nice for us because Nate’s taking so many of them.  We got to go to the animal park this morning.  Caedmon fed the sheep and saw the racoons.  On Mondays the stands are closed, so you can’t buy any food, but we had a partial bag left over from the last time we went, which made Caedmon quite popular among the sheep.  Caedmon also has a pretty bad daiper rash.  He’s had diarhea and a rash pretty much since he started taking his medicine, and both are on the symptoms list for his antibiotic.  I called the pharmacy because the rash hasn’t gotten any better with treatment.  They said its common, and if it doesn’t go away after he’s finished his antibiotic to take him in and get a different cream to treat it.  In the meantime I just feel bad because I know it hurts him.  One of the rashes is on his leg along the daiper line, and I know it rubs.  But on the bright side he only has 5 doses of the antibiotic left.  Meanwhile he’s running around the house in nothing but a t-shirt and I need to go stop him from climing up into the window and displaying himself to the world.

Today was Caedmon’s follow up, and he’s doing a lot better.  To summarize a little of Toufaxis said its a cold combined with allergies, but it was making his oxygen levels too low, so they had to give him what they did to get them back up fast and keep him out of the ER.  He stops the steroid tomorrow morning, finishes off the antibiotic, and take the inhaler until next Wednesday.  The lady who did his weight/temp/oxygen readings gave him a sticker, Toufaxis gave him gummy bears.  She remembered us and concerned about him, it was a nice feeling.  Caedmon also did better than he ever has.  And we had the appointment around lunch time so Nate got to show up and that made him happy too.  On a side note, Toufaxis said they’ve had about 3 kids/day come in and need breathing treatments for the past 2wks.  Crazy.  Long story short, I’m a bit sleep deprived (and I should be napping now), but I feel reassured and we had a really good experience.  Caedmon’s been acting more like himself and getting into things already, so I think we’re doing good.

Off to do a few more things and then lay down for a little while.

Caedmon has had a runny nose and a cough the last couple days, and in the middle of the night/early morning it kind of escalated.  He would wake up crying a lot, and then this morning he wouldn’t stop crying.  He woke up at 1:45am, napped off and on, cried (but not like screaming like a worn out sobbing) almost the whole time except when he was sleeping (which he did periodicly for a few min at a time), and we went to an appointment at the clinic this afternoon.  I was expecting the usual “here’s some tylenol, bring him back in a week if he still has a cough.”  Turns out its something else.  They took us in and immediately gave us off-brand motrin for his fever.  Then they took us to get a breathing treatment.  After that, he had to get chest x-rays.  They never actually told me what he had.  I don’t know why I didn’t ask.  It never really occurred to me–I was tired and exhausted from all the crying all morning, and then holding him down and forcing the mask on him for the breathing thing and struggling to get him to hold his arms up while he sat in a little plastic thing for xrays.  I left, went to the pharmacy, they didn’t give me all the prescriptions I needed and I didn’t realize it until I got back to Hainerberg, so I gave him the stuff I had (he threw it up) and then Meriam watched him so I could go back and pick up his inhaler.  During all of this Nate was in a meeting and had his phone off.  I was mad–it’s not his fault he had to go to it but the whole ordeal was a big deal to me.

But anyway, Dr. Troufaxis (however you spell it) said we have to take him to the ER if he gets any worse.  But the medicine seems to be helping a lot.  We’ll see how it goes tonight.  She told me she wants to see him Friday.

The one bright spot in my day was that I got paid for May.  No word on what’s happening with April’s pay, but at least I got something.  Came at a good time too. 

Oh, and in other news, Nate leaves for PLTCE (formerly FLTCE) in July instead of August (3wks from Sunday).  It kind of sucks because we had to pay to reschedule his GRE and Jackie and I were hoping to get a couple day trips done in August while he was gone and before PJ got in for R&R, but I guess on the bright side he’ll be here for Caemdon’s bday.  So now I’m re-debating going down there for a while.  I tried entering a couple dates and it looks like Edelweiss is pretty much booked to August, but I didn’t check that many dates so I may call them.

Ok, I need to get off the computer so I can take a shower and get to bed early.  I’ll update on what happens Friday.

So we made our big purchase and bought a bike trailer from Real.  I had looked in the Stars and Stripes first and the only one there was $125.  Amazon had some from just under $100 to over $400, but this way we got to use it the same day (I hate waiting on stuff to ship).  We went to the sports store in MzK first and they had nothing, not even a bike seat.  Then we went to Real, and they had both a seat and a pull-behind thing, which was only 30 euro more than the seat, so we got it.  Personally, I would have gone back home and picked up a VAT form before buying it, but anyone who has been shopping with Nate knows that sometimes it is best to get what you came for and get out.  So we just bought it.

 Ours looks kine of like this only its a little bit more boxy looking and has bars that go around the wheels that protects them and lets you can attach the head/rear lights.  It works just like the one our neighbors have.  Nate was all excited about it so we hooked it up and used it yesterday and it seems to work pretty good.  It came almost entirely assembled, I just had to fold it up and put the wheels on.  It also came with head and rear lights you can attach to it and flags.  It seats one or two, which is nice for if we wanted to go on a ride with another family.  We’ve been riding out in the fields and its a lot of fun.  It’s really pretty out there (with not so many hills) and you can go a long way without realizing it.

Nate rode his bike to the airfield this morning.  He said it wasn’t a bad ride, which is nice because if he can do it just twice a week I’m sure it will help on gas money.

Ok, Caedmon is bored, more later…

So we went on a bike ride this afternoon with our neighbors (they had one of those pull-behind things for the kids).  It was actually really fun, and I think we’re going to get either that or a bike seat for Caedmon.  I was surprised, in CA I hated riding my bike, but that’s probably because Monterey was nothing but hills.  We went a long way in the fields today and I didn’t get tired.  I was happy. 

In other news, I quit my job this past week.  I still haven’t been paid, for April or May.  I don’t know that I ever will be.  Last time I talked to my boss she was still trying to get me to come in, but I heard a rumor that the chapel wants to fire everyone and start with new providers.  Ha ha, like that will fix the problem.

Well, I think we’re going to go out to dinner in a bit.  We were going to grill, but it started raining a little bit, so I think we’re off to Aurum Mediterano.  Hope you all enjoy your weekends and tell the dad’s out there happy father’s day!

So I’m supposed to be writing a paper and its kicking my butt right now.  Ok, not exactly, part of it is that I haven’t written a paper in God-knows-how-long and part of it is that my instructor just told us to write a research paper about a topic in the book or something otherwise related to the course.  Could you get any more vague?

Ok I’ll spare the whining on that, spare my sanity, and blog a bit.

We haven’t been doing much of anything the past couple of days.  We went down to the Dull’s house to watch movies last night.  Its their anniversary this weekend and we offered to watch their little girl (Sara, the one I have pics of on my myspace) but they weren’t really feeling up to it.  So we brought down champagne and brownies.  :-p  It was fun, they have a WAY better TV than we do, lol.  We’ve actually watched a lot of movies with them lately come to think about it.  We watched Jumper, which wasn’t too bad as long as you don’t think about it too much.  Its good as far as action goes but its not really too logical and kind of leaves room for a sequel.  Then we watched the sequel to the Librarian last night.  Let’s just say it would have been better drunk, lol.  Instead we just made fun of it a lot which made it amusing.  We also watched the Golden Compass.  I hadn’t seen it before, and I feel like I missed some key parts of the plot while trying to keep an eye on Caedmon, but I liked it.  Then I watched part of Be Kind Rewind, and stopped part way through.  It just seemed like it wasn’t going anywhere and had a bunch of really dumb jokes that weren’t that funny.

In other news, Nate got paid today so I got him something for father’s day.  I bought seasons 1 and 2 of House on Amazon (marketplace saved me $15 each and they’re supposed to be factory sealed still, so we’ll see how it goes).  I also took Caiti’s advice and made the coupons too, which I filled with personal things like “one free beer run” or “free pass on taking Lola out.”  I may regret it, but we’ll see how he likes it.  :-p  Oh, and while he was out with Eric today he went to REAL and found what he said was the “good” Absinth, so that’s the rest of his present.  I tried the other stuff we had when my brother-in-law was out here and it wasn’t bad but its not like Euro Trip, no green fairies, sorry if I ruined it for anyone.  I don’t know about this one though, its considerably more alcoholic.

Ok, I guess that’s my break, off to go pull 2 more pages out of my @$$ so I can turn this stupid paper in on Sunday.  (Seriously, I’m in WEB PUBLISHING, why I am I writing papers on this stuff?)

I already uploaded this picture to myspace so I’m sure some of you have already seen it.  This is Tequila.  He has been making more and more appearances in our neighborhood recently.  We first saw him one evening when we were grilling and he landed in a tree near us, then he showed up again in the same spot one afternoon while Caedmon was outside playing.  Then I took this pic on the first–he was literally perched on someone’s window (imagine looking out your window and seeing that).  Then yesterday he was sitting on the ground under our basketball hoop about 15ft away from us.  I didn’t even notice at first.  He eventually flew down to the playground and sat on top the swingset for a while.  He doesn’t seem to be scared of people, but he doesn’t seem like he’s hurt or sick either.  Angi thinks maybe he’s a trained bird (she said there’s somewhere out here they do that and release them and they come back for feeding, but she says lots of things).  In the meantime he’s serving as our stairwell mascot.  To be more specific, he’s the mascot for the “51 Margharita Mamas.”  Its more of an inside joke than a group, its  just me, Angi, and Meriam–because we are moms and we like to drink Meriam’s margharitas.  By the way, Jackie and Caiti you are welcome to be our newest inductees, but we’ll have to discuss initiation first… j/k

Anyway, I’ve had more coffee than I’m used to and I’m getting off on a wierd little tangent.  I just found our new visitor interesting.